Grateful for the gift of existence

December 31, 2011

Since is is News Years Eve, I thought it appropriate to look back on the year and look forward to 2012.

This year started out bad physically, perhaps because of outside stresses. Funny how the doctors say to keep stress to a minimum. Hard to do that with other persons behavior or events beyond our control.

During the first months of 2011 I felt as bad as any time since I was diagnosed, and I regret to say It discouraged me. I feel better than that now, and I am grateful.

I think the first thing that comes to mind right now upon reflection is that I still exist and I am grateful for that. Funny how fatalistic I was when I was first diagnosed in 2003/2004. Not anymore. I am way more conscious of existing and think about it often and each time I am grateful.

I lost my mother 4 years ago and my father last year, and we lost my sister Susan's husband in November to Pancreatic Cancer. He was only 70 years old and my sister did well, but the funeral was hard.

My sister Carol and I held my sister Susan by the arms and helped her to stay upright while she sobbed uncontrollably during parts of the funeral.

On December 23^rd of this year, we had to put my big orange tabby male down because of oral cancer. I held him and whispered in his ear, “I love you Tarantino”, over and over while the doctor did what she must.

Then I brought him home and buried him in my back yard. My sweet wife Lonni had dug the hole for me because I am so puny because of the Heart Failure.

So upon reflection with my wife, in the five years we have known each other, she has seen me bury my mother, my father, my brother in law, and two of my cats, my two favorite, by the way. I am sure this has been tough on her as well.

I had my other hip replaced in the fall, and I am happy to report the experience was far easier than the first hip replacement. It is no picnic, mind you, but now I am walking almost normally and it seems a miracle. I have had this issue with arthritis since 2004.

Looking into 2012, I may be facing a pacemaker replacement, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I am grateful right now to exist after dealing with this disease for so long, and I wish you all the the very best of health and a very happy life.

Happy New Year to you all.

Results of my Echocardiagram

Sorry about not posting the results of my recent echocardiogram. Things got very busy as my sister’s husband passed after fighting pancreatic cancer for a year.  He was only 70 years old and it was very hard on my sister.

Then I had to fly to San Francisco for a week for work.  My organization is having financial issues and it looks like I will have to cut my salary and others the first of the year.

 Anyway, my echocardiogram came back the same as last year, with an EF of 30 – 35 %.  The technician noted that I have a great deal of arrhythmias and so I need to go to my other cardiac specialist to ask him if it is anything new there.

 They know I have PVC’s often, but they have so far decided to leave them alone.

My Medications as of November 1, 2011

I had someone ask me recently about my medications, so I thought I would publish them so others can compare to what they are taking.  Please feel free to comment.

Heart Conditions, etc.:

- Third Degree (Complete) Heart Block diagnosed Feb. 6, 2003 – Pacemaker dependant
- Non-ischemic Cardiomyopathy - diagnosed July 16, 2004

- Restrictive Cardiomyopathy - diagnosed May, 2007
- 25 - 30% ejection fraction Feb. 2011

- BNP current is 194 June 2009

- 3rd pacemaker implanted Jan. 29, 2008: Guidant bi-ventricular pacemaker/ICD - Contak Renewal 3 RF HE Model Number H217.

Medicines as of August 31, 2011 – No NSAID's allowed

Coreg – Generic	25 mg	2/day	Morning/Evening
Lisinopril	10 mg	2/day	Morning/Evening
Ranexa	500 mg	2/day	Morning/Evening
Digoxin	0.125 mg	1/day	Morning
Enteric Coated Aspirin	81 mg	1/day	Morning
Furosemide	40mg Tab	As needed

Looking to my next doctor visit Thursday

I have an appointment with my heart failure specialist Thursday and he is planning to do an echocardiogram.  The last tests in the spring showed my EF down to 25 - 30% from the 30 – 35% I have been at the previous year. 

Although that higher number is awful, it is still way better than the 25 – 30%. 

It sort of explains why I almost never feel good.  For the first few months of this year I felt awful as my March post says, then it seems I improved a little bit but never really turned the corner.  In April, my cardiologist was hopeful that the lower number was temporary and so he is testing me later this week to check his theory.

In the meantime, there is some good news that my wife got a job last week after looking for nearly a year.  It has been terrible for her and I have felt so bad for her.  This is not something I could fix.

I hope I have done okay standing by her emotionally and financially.  She has certainly stood by me in my health issues over the years.  That is something I can never repay.

So we are in wait mode on my tests.  I don’t know what my doctor can do beyond what he has done already to help my health.  When we last spoke he said I was on optimum treatment.  I hope he has something else up his sleeve.

Not going to quit

I apologize if I gave the wrong impression with my last entry.  I am not going to quit even though some days I feel like it.

Sorry.

Disappointed with myself

When I was diagnosed with Heart Block in 2003, after facing a year of undiagnosed symptoms, and I faced the Grim Reaper for the first time, I told myself I would die making a point to my children, sort of like Cool Hand Luke, who although he lost, he did it with dignity.

Then came the Heart Failure, and then came the degenerative arthritis in my hips and back.  I think it must be the time factor that has me worn down right now.

It seems that after nine years as of February 6, I seem to have lost my fight.  I have not told my children, but my wife knows and that is bad enough.  Also, I know.

I apologize for whining.  Lately, I seem unwilling to fake it, even to myself.

Not doing very well

It has been a while since I posted, I apologize.  The past several months have been trying, as I am sure they have been to you.

I was hospitalized twice last year with stress that made me feel like I could not breathe.  I lost my favorite pet in August, and the pain of it was physical.  She was my baby white cat and the joy in my life.

We lost my father in late September, and although he was mean and abusive, he was still my father.  He also left us a legacy of an unfair will, giving most everything to his favorite child and leaving very small amounts to the rest of us, thus forever splitting the family asunder.

Now, even though the doctors say their tests say I am not doing worse, I have never felt worse.  I feel awful every moment of every day.  The fatigue has never been worse, except when I was in the hospital.  The pain from my arthritis is there constantly, and I can't take the better pain remedies because NSAIDs will kill someone with Heart Failure.

I apologize for this post, but I guess it is high time I was honest.