Disappointed with myself

When I was diagnosed with Heart Block in 2003, after facing a year of undiagnosed symptoms, and I faced the Grim Reaper for the first time, I told myself I would die making a point to my children, sort of like Cool Hand Luke, who although he lost, he did it with dignity.

Then came the Heart Failure, and then came the degenerative arthritis in my hips and back.  I think it must be the time factor that has me worn down right now.

It seems that after nine years as of February 6, I seem to have lost my fight.  I have not told my children, but my wife knows and that is bad enough.  Also, I know.

I apologize for whining.  Lately, I seem unwilling to fake it, even to myself.

Not doing very well

It has been a while since I posted, I apologize.  The past several months have been trying, as I am sure they have been to you.

I was hospitalized twice last year with stress that made me feel like I could not breathe.  I lost my favorite pet in August, and the pain of it was physical.  She was my baby white cat and the joy in my life.

We lost my father in late September, and although he was mean and abusive, he was still my father.  He also left us a legacy of an unfair will, giving most everything to his favorite child and leaving very small amounts to the rest of us, thus forever splitting the family asunder.

Now, even though the doctors say their tests say I am not doing worse, I have never felt worse.  I feel awful every moment of every day.  The fatigue has never been worse, except when I was in the hospital.  The pain from my arthritis is there constantly, and I can't take the better pain remedies because NSAIDs will kill someone with Heart Failure.

I apologize for this post, but I guess it is high time I was honest.