Looking to my next doctor visit Thursday

I have an appointment with my heart failure specialist Thursday and he is planning to do an echocardiogram.  The last tests in the spring showed my EF down to 25 - 30% from the 30 – 35% I have been at the previous year. 

Although that higher number is awful, it is still way better than the 25 – 30%. 

It sort of explains why I almost never feel good.  For the first few months of this year I felt awful as my March post says, then it seems I improved a little bit but never really turned the corner.  In April, my cardiologist was hopeful that the lower number was temporary and so he is testing me later this week to check his theory.

In the meantime, there is some good news that my wife got a job last week after looking for nearly a year.  It has been terrible for her and I have felt so bad for her.  This is not something I could fix.

I hope I have done okay standing by her emotionally and financially.  She has certainly stood by me in my health issues over the years.  That is something I can never repay.

So we are in wait mode on my tests.  I don’t know what my doctor can do beyond what he has done already to help my health.  When we last spoke he said I was on optimum treatment.  I hope he has something else up his sleeve.

Not going to quit

I apologize if I gave the wrong impression with my last entry.  I am not going to quit even though some days I feel like it.

Sorry.

Disappointed with myself

When I was diagnosed with Heart Block in 2003, after facing a year of undiagnosed symptoms, and I faced the Grim Reaper for the first time, I told myself I would die making a point to my children, sort of like Cool Hand Luke, who although he lost, he did it with dignity.

Then came the Heart Failure, and then came the degenerative arthritis in my hips and back.  I think it must be the time factor that has me worn down right now.

It seems that after nine years as of February 6, I seem to have lost my fight.  I have not told my children, but my wife knows and that is bad enough.  Also, I know.

I apologize for whining.  Lately, I seem unwilling to fake it, even to myself.

Not doing very well

It has been a while since I posted, I apologize.  The past several months have been trying, as I am sure they have been to you.

I was hospitalized twice last year with stress that made me feel like I could not breathe.  I lost my favorite pet in August, and the pain of it was physical.  She was my baby white cat and the joy in my life.

We lost my father in late September, and although he was mean and abusive, he was still my father.  He also left us a legacy of an unfair will, giving most everything to his favorite child and leaving very small amounts to the rest of us, thus forever splitting the family asunder.

Now, even though the doctors say their tests say I am not doing worse, I have never felt worse.  I feel awful every moment of every day.  The fatigue has never been worse, except when I was in the hospital.  The pain from my arthritis is there constantly, and I can't take the better pain remedies because NSAIDs will kill someone with Heart Failure.

I apologize for this post, but I guess it is high time I was honest.

Stable again

Since my last post, things have smoothed out a bit.  I have had a couple of small incidents but nothing like the June 12 incident.

Now I am back trying to pretend this did not happen, because I still have to work for a living like everyone else.

I am grateful to still be here, though, and I do not take waking up every day for granted.

Hospital Visit Saturday

My friends and family have heard me saying recently that I was trying to go a year without a hospital visit as it has been since 2002 when I have gone for 12 months without a visit.

I had a pretty good month in May and I was hopeful, but that hope went away on Saturday when my wife had to bring me to the emergency room because I could not catch my breath.

I had been getting shakier and shakier over the past two days for unknown reasons, and on Saturday, right after a nice lunch with my son and his wife I got into the car, and I started hyper-ventilating and just could not get my breath.

So we rushed to the emergency room and then put me on oxygen right away and started checking me out. They checked out my heart first and that checked out okay, they said, so they started doing all sorts of tests.

I was having heart attack symptoms with chest pains, and my left arm was going numb, my kidneys were not doing well and my BP was dangerously low.

Long story short, they could not find the cause, and after stabilizing me and running tests for 7 hours, they let me go home. We were impressed with the doctor, he showed us the tests and discussed the issues each step of the way.

Then the next day, the doctor actually called to see how I was doing. That has never happened before. I feel grateful that he was my attending doctor.

One last thing, this had a profound effect on my wife. She was fiercely attentive with me all weekend and would not let me do chores, etc. This seems to have had a big effect on our philosophical approach to life.

We have had a lot of side issues lately, but this was a wakeup call for us to appreciate our time together as we never know how much time we will have together. We talked about it several times.

On everyday Suffering

If you ask most people with Heart Failure, they will downplay the daily suffering they are going through. I know I for one am not articulate enough to describe just how awful living with Heart Failure can be.

To be sure, some people are able to get somewhat better if they stick to their drugs and do what their heart failure specialist says to do.

Unfortunately, it seems that too many people I correspond with don't have a good doctor, and they are groping in the dark.

It breaks my heart to hear their stories, but also reassures me that I am not alone, and I guess most of us on the lists feel that way and are grateful for the community.

I know I am.